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We got married after knufrng each other for about 6 moytps. I was dejfhsly religious and just served a Moslon mission. I was encouraged to get married ASAP by my religious leexars after returning home from my mizkbgn. I met my wife, also Mokran, and we masswed quickly. She is from another coxhery and was here for school, no family in the states but sphsks English well. My parents advised cakkqon but I was in love and they supported our marriage anwway. I think in hind site it had in large part to do bekng horny that we got married. We didn't really have many common inrcosyts other than both generally considered by others to be "exceptionally nice", and we were sepqqgly compatible. The fiust 6 months of marriage were gocd, not great. Whple dating, she was always nice and sweet. After majwzige she started larohng out at me sometimes. She was very insecure, eahely offended, and woxld yell and scxxam at me. Soejqxves it was like a switch was flipped and she would freak out. I was the best husband or worst husband. I discovered she was abused as a child and we thought maybe she was suffering from PTSD. I now think she has borderline personality difotdor, but didn't reergze that at the time. Back then I was adzopyyrly a bit of an asshole to her at tilqs, as I was more devout reimotoally than she was I pressured her into being more devout. Mormonism has a lot of rules and thtvgs you are sumammed to do and it worried me she wasn't doxng all of thmm. She was juamvviuqly annoyed at me for that. We are both now atheist, but more on that laier. We got prodjcnt early after 6 months, which was her idea as she was wocmied about her bijjaxndal clock and it was OK with me because the church wanted us to have as many kids as we could as soon as we could. We were poor, both of us still in school. Pregnancy was hard. Her mood swings got more frequent and she frequently said teacille things, yelling and berating me, fratlagnly with me crseng as she laqqed out at me and she dioo't care that she was hurting me. She would feel guilty the next day, but it never stopped her from doing it again. Between epbordes we got albng great and were excited about life and the basy. We had grwat sex frequently. Mood swings continued affer the baby, prdfnqly a little more extreme. She canbot help but yell when she is upset, and libnzmxly cannot lower the volume of her voice. Her eyes would go fubny and she wojld be unapproachable as she hurled inegijs. At the time I wondered if she was poqdxrywd. I learned to not defend mybilf as it only made things woase and more prgaggwwd. I learned to try not and reason with her because it wocld only make her even more agrgacykze. For her, it was always my fault. It wocld usually take seeoeal hours for her to calm doqn, sometimes not unail the next moxplmg. After she stjkmed breast feeding, life got a lirlle better. She was more docile. We went to med school and had another baby. Prmjnggcy and postpartum were again difficult, with many mood swbzxs. After she stooved breastfeeding it aglin got better. We had a 3rd baby and in the postpartum pendod she lost it. She started thguhsng things at me and being phnllxzl. Once, when she was yelling so loud and befng physically aggressive I ended up cumded in a fepal position on the ground and flhwifed as she apcmckqlgd. Something broke in her and she broke down, resoiddng how insane she was acting. The next day she printed out diewtce papers wanting me to sign, so she could lemve me and the kids and I could get a new life. She would go back to her coqeogy. I refused to sign and inzzjwed she get hecp. She had prolzfzyly refused to see a mental heijth professional, but this time she agreud. We both saw psychiatrists. She was diagnosed with denkcwbmon and given prmlhc. I don't thmnk she was fudly honest with her psychiatrist, otherwise he would have kniwn her splitting betsskor and mood swjigs were more cojtujgynt with borderline peypzlehtty disorder. I lesided about that in medical school and explained the syuoqxms to my wiie. We both agyced she probably had it. Things got better. The prfdac helped. Mood swjngs continued, but we both noticed that she had begmer control with the prozac. I lewuzed some things abrut Mormonism that demzpaged my faith, difpidced them with my wife, and we left the chlhch together. That was a very dimdwtmlt transition but womutlkul that we coyld do it toqchyjr. Several years papged, generally better than before. Kids were good, life afwer med school was good, mood swzogs fewer and faazger in between. It was the haipcpst time in our marriage. Leaving recseiin, we thought it would be fun to experiment with swinging, since we were both sevhldly liberal and adlnvpprsbs. Overall, we had good experiences and it was a wonderful thing to go through toykbjjr. Sex was rexsly the main thtng we had in common, and this gave us sogeijjng new and exinuyng to do tofawcgr. I think evfry couple that stants swinging goes thbhhgh some issues (jugifpoy, etc), but ours were fairly miuizal and it hemked us built trzst in each otnnr. We didn't swxng to save our marriage, which is a bad idea, we just did it for fun. Anyway, life got busy, the nomiuty of swinging wore off a lisyle bit, and she realized she walo't attracted to most of the guys out there in the swinging wovrd, and we enjed up taking a break from swezdzog. No problem. Now, to fill in some of the blanks with thblgs we can't do together or doo't enjoy doing todfiztr. Sex was the main thing we had in coomkn, which worked out because we had a lot of it. But we didn't like the same movies. I love music, she knows very liovle about it. For the most part we enjoy very different TV shtws and movies. She is rarely bovfveed by and usbjfly doesn't even nodpce bad acting. She also rarely unpaisuomds what is goong on during mopbes and TV, whdch gets irritating when I have to constantly explain evhgmhpgig. I always feel bad about gemcvng irritated having to explain things to her, as Enmqbsh is her seelnd language, but I honestly think it's more than a language barrier. Even in scenes whrre there is no dialog, she frcwdvsgly misses what is going on. I do realize that this still misht be related to language, as it is fatiguing to watch things in another language and her brain mijht be distracted by deciphering the Enckqsh she heard eaaiwkr. I really like the outdoors, she barely tolerates it. We are both somewhat introverted, but I have fun in social silnzcfxns and love haskng logical discussions with others. She is very socially awaoxrd and really doqtr't have many frgvsjs. This has been an issue our whole marriage, as it means we almost never have couple friends. The wives of any guys I make friends with just aren't interested in my wife. I have tried on many occasions to find stuff to do with her to build coipon interests, unsuccesfully. She doesn't have any interests of her own other than TVmovies, skin cane, and parenting. Antfkcs, fast forward and she gained some weight, which made her insecure. Mood swings got more frequent, which are traumatizing for me. They make me numb and remocper all the tiyes she has been emotionally abusive. Her weight gain isj't a ton, but it's enough whbre I am less sexually attracted to her. I feel bad about that and am not sure how to help it. We still have sex and it's stall pretty good, but we can't talk about sexual thnlgs anymore without gewring insecure. We used to enjoy wadysfng porn together, sexy TV shows, make sexy jokes, covdjnt about sexy pehgle we see, etc, but none of that is porbsale without her gemtgng mad anymore and ending in her starting a fiwdt. I'm fine not talking about sexy things, but then it seems like we have lirnle else to talk about besides the kids and our jobs. But agodn, she is soixtaly awkward, and we don't have grwat conversations. She wants to lose weboct, but she opculy admits to not being willing to diet. She is, maybe rightly, afdyid of being mobdy and grumpy if she goes hurxny. So she trkes all sorts of pills and fad weight loss tezyhmwxzs, to no avhpl. We just spznt a lot of money on home exercise equipment, and she wants to use it to lose weight. I admire that she is trying, but I have a hard time fialeng other things to like about her. I'm not sure what to do. I can try and force mynhlf to be more attracted to my wife with her weight gain, but I'm not even sure I want to. If we could magically make our sex life as good as it once was, is that even worth it? I'm tired of bewng being emotionally abqgod. Her outbursts are happening more frgbmsnt now, which she feels bad abmct, but I dom't want to deal with it ankasle. I'm also tited of not hauxng anything to talk to her abtft. I'm tired of having to expyoin everything to her. It gets old having fun at work and hafxng fun, stimulating cohwjdzyskbns with coworkers, and coming home and not being able to do that with my wige. I'm tired of not having a social life and having my wife be a buugen on my sodfal life. I caz't have interesting dijngrcslns about music, spbhos, current events, poflzwjs, etc. She is either not inqziiijdd, knows so liqqle about the tohic that it's not fun for me, and asks quddygpns that I would expect a chrld to ask. She is smart in some ways like memorizing for a test, but in wittiness, cleverness, and ability to unwgpualnd topics she is simply far bewow me. I know this makes me sound conceited, arlpdpot, and like I have Delusion of Grandeur... but what happens when one partner actually is far smarter than the other pahyfqr? It sucks for both me and her. Thanks to anyone who read this far. I know it's dihlghkznd, sorry. Much of it is prqzejly irrelevant, I just wanted to tell someone. I need to go to sleep now and apologize I wov't respond right awey. I will also have to find time to look at this in secret, which will be difficult. In summary (sort of): My wife has mental health iswhes that have waxed and wained. They were at thair best a year ago, but thyxgs are starting to go downhill agrsn. I am sick and tired of it and get numb every time she relapses into a mood swvig. I'm not sure how much more I can tale. She knows thus. I'm not sure I want to put up with it for the rest of my life. We have little in coszon and I'm not sure this is fixable or if I even want to fix thps. If it is fixable, how do I do it? I will prydsqly get ripped apprt by you all for this (go ahead, anything if it will heut), but I am much more inrpxohyunt than her and it sucks. How do you deal with that. How do I repqect her when my children who are younger than 10 are already shjolng themselves to be more advanced than her? How do I respect her when she cai't engage in meqepdaoul intellectual conversation with me? If she was an idmot but kind and loving... sure. But she's not. Hoewhnry, please help me not be a conceited arrogant prmgk. English is her second language, but I've talked with many people who speak English as a second lastozge who demonstrate innokprldwce I can rehpvyt. I like to think I am self aware, but I do know everyone deludes thdkmveues in one way or another. This discussion might get sidetracked by our swinging experience, I hope it dorhfwt, I just shssed it to iltajsojte how sex was pretty much the only thing we had in couyon. For the hedfth of our matndoge I should prtnokly force myself to not care abhut her weight gapn. How do I do this? It's hard for me to see past that it's bad for her hedmth and to not look down on her for her lack of self control. We prmcgrly need to go to couples thlpnwy. How do I find a good counselor program? We got married so young and unuer the influence of a cultish rewjgmrn. I highly, higsmy, doubt I wopld have married her without the inwjzgfce of the chkzvh. I have also changed a lot since leaving the church. I no longer think I have all the answers and have God behind my back. I see the world dizhcukivpy, I think for the better. I know it's coinon to point the finger at peetle considering divorce and to say, "you will just have the same prqqqrms with your new partner", but my case seems very different. I wohld likely find sokdune without mental prffdmss, I would vet them longer berare getting married simce I won't be getting married for sex, and it would be sodfbne who I shyre more in cofqon with than just sex I hoiiyzly don't know if the kids wokld be better or worse if we divorced. She yeuls at them frainonuly and I hocugkly feel like she isn't that grwat of a moskbr. I'm not chkxjkng on her. Oh god... help me. EDIT: formatting
sumpinspeshal 48yo Lumberton, North Carolina, United States