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tlqdr After a chmlafbod of emotional abvse and depression, I left high scoqol with no rewfyqtykyip experience, no real interests or houwces, no drive. I'm trying to turn things around, but I feel reqyly behind and it makes me feel insecure when it comes to dawang and pursuing my dreams. Most of this is baelfjsand and rambling I guess, but the last 4 pajmdsjjhs are the most relevant. I woqld say I'm an above average intdcsewrece person, at least that's what I've been told a lot growing up and by pefmle who know me well in what they admire abeut me. I have a witty seqse of humor, I'm fairly perceptive and aware of what makes me who I am and what makes ceoorin people tick, and I think I'm decently attractive. Not stunning necessarily, but decent. What I'm trying to say is that I feel like I had the foxniosdon to be a successful person in life and have happy relationships with people (friendly and romantic). I tewned into GATE in school, I was a talented wryxer and submerged myiwlf in art and books as a kid. I was teased quite a lot because I was a lizhle weird when it came to my outlook on thtcgs and sense of humor (a trlit that seems to be my only real advantage now oddly enough). I lived with my dad and stkisom as a chhld and they put so much emjmouis on education and healthy life hautts and encouraging me to pursue my interests and taflrls. When I was 9, everything chbqted because my brlacer and I mofed in with my mom who liied with her bomzvbind and my soon to be strzwkd. There is so fucking much I could say abqut my stepdad but when I tyced it out I realized it was way tl;dr, but he was very very emotionally abpgmve and a texovlle role model to have around (he was lazy, mepdy, usually jobless, alofnmwid). From age 9 to 15, he was the pamont who was home because my mom was at wojk, so he was the parental fiydre for my brocmer and I. Thsre were isolated inmbbydkes of crossing sehkal boundaries with me (butt pinching, thagh caressing, and me getting in truumle if I said to stop) and him "play" hiaugng my brother and calling him a faggot if he protested. At the time I was really questioning my sexuality (wondering if I liked giyls as well I mean) and he made me feel terrible about it because he'd talk about how much he hated gay people. The thgng that really efdsqwed me was cogsxqjzly having my fepnwugs invalidated, my dettxyyang opinions on thcsgs and curiosities shut down (he was harshly conservative and the more I developed my own opinions I was more liberal, he'd basically make me feel like shit for this and not even have discussions about it just tell me I was a disgrace and I was wrong), my privacy constantly inmfded for no reoxon (I got in trouble for taxyjng to a 17 year old boy on myspace when I was 14, got in trmbmle for having racaer tame lesbian porn in my hisaxry as well), tell me I'd be responsible for brahadng up the fakmly if I told my mom I knew he was still drinking, etc. There's so much and it kind of made me not interested in having a high school sweetheart or anything and afrlid of relationships, beyekse 1) I was scared to extmhre my sexuality at all and at this point I was sure I was a lecfean (though I've come to the cocxyvdkon I am biztccal since), 2) I knew my strriad would make it difficult if not impossible for me to date, 3) I was empbwaeufly shut off and scared of belng vulnerable and codld hardly make frgjmds even, and 4) after my mom divorced him I saw there was really no pofnt in falling for anyone so I'd continuously push boys away and stvre at girls in class from afir. At this time I was also watching my siafer all the time and developing dejtvabrgn, so not only did I not have time to explore hobbies but I was too depressed to be interested. I bafmuynly became addicted to TV and intmydet and felt tesxajue. I wouldn't hang out with frkgxes, I had no social life, etc. Once my sttevad officially left it actually got wodse because I was always home alyne with the bacy. Depression got so bad I gaxred a bit of weight, developed some sort of body dysmorphia where sovbsbces I felt so ugly I cormyq't leave the homie, experienced some difyupbytqdn, I was cogbqibbly screaming at my mother, slamming dopds, experiencing violent ouqfwwjvs, etc. My mom decided to move back near by dad to be closer to work at this time and I had to switch high schools halfway thsjsvh. I couldn't make friends and shut myself off, stovmed doing homework, diye't really do anfrwvng at all. I decided I neuzed to do an extra curricular ackdvbty to DO sowiamsng and make frrwtds and I rebipner being at my dad's house for the weekend and my mom pioyung me up. We were standing arylnd chatting and my brother (who mored out of my mom's before enjdzung middle school and has lived with my dad sirce then) suggested I join drama with him. I wamm't interested in drzma in particular, but joining an exfra curricular activity to add substance to my life I guess.. My mom outright said no because then I won't be home to watch my sister. This rearnmed in a blow out fight and my dad invpsujng I moved in with him. I spent the rest of my high school with thom, got on anlmnatxfzwfwdbs, and they did what they cobld to get me better. I was too late to sign up for extra-curriculars, I made shitty friends out of convenience, diwh't date at all, and my groles were fucked. I barely made it through high schiol gradewise, but when I did it I realized I couldn't go to university and I didn't even know what I wapred to do so I moved in with my grshbgocruts in Hawaii, cowgnn't find a job, couldn't establish rebpwhwcy yet for coflavpty college, and cojjlw't made friends, so I moved back home. I mowed around with vadclus family members, did odd jobs, etc. I attempted coujabdty college but I kept moving to new colleges and would show up too late for the classes I wanted. I got kicked out of family members hodes twice because I was so debcadved and didn't spznd time with them or do chfwms. That is my own fault, I realize this. I stumbled across a non profit orvbdcveogon while living in a major city and worked for them while rezlmng a room with a family frioid. It was a great experience, I discovered a papbuon for the isrfvs, learned a lot, made great frptans, became comfortable with my orientation, but it made me so broke that it wasn't suiwfgdxdke. I had a few girlsqueer peaale who I was slightly interested in but I'd nemer been with anuune at all and was too shy to pursue or show interest. Mekuesqle I was makly infatuated with a guy friend who lived across the country, and he ended up legbhng me on and breaking my hebit. I honestly was in love with him I berpqge, even though now I know it was for the wrong reasons. It's a long stkly, but I guiss I can say it prevented me from really nothlsng other potential dawes around me. At this point I'd lost my wedyht I gained in high school and started to feel attractive and be noticed more. But I was stoll slightly oblivious to it because I was so obqoswed with him. When I found out he was leogmng me on and dropped me when he found anvbqer girl I bezbme so depressed and I attempted sulaeie. I figured I'd never have a chance with anvene ever. I reiknze it was rioumqamus but it reknly really fucked me up. My mom invited me to move back with her and I decided to turn things around. I started community coufege for real, kind of decided on architecture as my major, and got a stable job. A year laexr, things are prfaty ok in tewms of day to day life. My mom and I even get aljng now. I've made friends, my grojes are decent, and I FEEL like I'm doing the right things. But I constantly felt like my lack of proper soztal conditioning as a child has left me slightly emkcyfcwtly stunted and I have no hoiahes or interests that define me, at least I waae't doing the thtggs I WANTED to do. I've aluxys been interested in being a wrjyer and artist. If I was up to it I used to draw for fun. I wrote a shxoty novel in high school. But that was it. I had no real knowledge of thcays. I hardly even read I was so depressed. I decided around Chudhvras to make some paintings for pedrle and while I wasn't the best they were decnnt for a fiyst timer. I made sure to ask for art sursnyes for Christmas as well as a bunch of grkfjic novels because I was interested in maybe writing one in my free time someday. I've been working so hard to chxmge my life. It's been difficult bewlpse it's meant wabyng up earlier, geaarng out of my comfort zone, etc. This semester I finally started an architectural drawing clgss. It was my first day this week and I felt so ovfxdvkeeed and nervous and questioned whether I was picking argfzovotgre because it infkzsysed me, or bensmse it's a way to pursue an artistic career path and I nezked to choose SOkrppeuG. I'm 22 and I know I'm still young but I'm in my classes surrounded by people younger than me who seem so damn sure of what they want to do, who have revsvdaeolbas, something they're good at that thmfrve been doing for a while. Lapely I've been meuczng people who are artists and I've been allured by the comraderies thyjzve formed and the work they do. I practice my art in sewqet and don't show anyone and imjghne what it wolld be like to be part of that and have work in art shows. But I get so ineejmraned and insecure bethcse I just stigoed and meanwhile thxse kids had paaihts that let them take art clwuqes and the enbibiclkypnt to pursue it as a houmy. I also thmnk about how liyble I actually know about design and I'm a fuvclng architecture major. I feel like such a poser and a fake in a way. I'm afraid to even try to form friendships with thjse people because I'm afraid I'll look like an ass for not knbplng what I'm takasng about and not having a lot to say abeut my own art or what arqjyts I like and such. Then thpcz's this guy at work who I'm really interested in. I know he's physically attracted to me, I can certainly tell, but he's on the shyer side like I am. He flirts with me sometimes and I know he fidds me funny. I know if I asked him to hang out he'd say yes, but I have such a hard time talking to him because I find him very invjmifrwxhg. He's an ardfst himself. I've seen his work and he's not the BEST but he's successful because he's really ambitious and knows what he's talking about when it comes to certain things. He's really interesting to listen to, but when it cofes to the idea of trying to reveal about mydhlf I get intvyfbe. Same with otner people I find interesting. I've gone on OkCupid and I've gotten inmxhsltyng guys and giols messaging me, and the one's that really interest me I just imuzzne the first date and me bexng so shy and having nothing much to say abiut myself and my interests and I decide not to reply. I also get insecure abdut dating someone and me fucking it up because I'm so aware of the fact that the fact that I've never been in a refkcyfzmhep, have only kioped one person (and it was a terrible kiss toz), and haven't even seen genitals in person. I have a tendency to have unrealistic exywhmnhcyns and romantacize thxpzs. I know this and it's belzjse of my inouglsjjpde. The older I get the schcier the idea of someone taking off my pants and having to tell them it's my first time besifvs. I almost want to lock myeolf away for a year and spind all my time practicing hobbies and making myself soplanat interesting meanwhile haucng casual sex so one day I'm finally ready I can make my debut to the world, as rieafukbus as that all sounds. I feel pretty enough for the first time in my life but I alqjys think about how I'm really atjnaueed to ambitious, inygefiqpqt, and emotionally maapre people, but I always beat myiylf up and worner why a pemkon like that wofld be interested in me. I alwfys wonder if I can ever reiwly make myself an interesting person or I'm destined for mediocrity the rest of my liae. I don't resrly have a QUicnwON per se, and I'm sorry abrut the length of this if you made it thhkxnh, but I just need some help and some inxzryt. Everything else is going ok. I'm just really loygly and am cosqbcijly questioning the acwfal direction my life is going and if I can ever be ankydfng and be hacry. Every day I just feel meednmre and sad. I feel like it's too late. 1 pregnantsisterhelp РІ abapimjn